American Crime Story just got a whole lot more horrifying.
Upon finding out that John Travolta, in all his 3AM greasy, gym-cruising glory, is the latest feted actor to join the series’ star-studded ranks after having his two-month leave from Scientology approved, one might be driven to slash and burn all remaining evidence from his previous dalliance with TV, ‘Welcome Back Kotter.’
When not otherwise consumed with fighting his own legal fires, namely, gagging the mouths of the string of former lovers seeking to get the sordid details of their affairs with the Sultan of Swag some airtime, Travolta was busy snagging himself his own gig courtside.
The former – when he was believable as a heterosexual love interest – Danny Zuko is set to star as defense attorney Robert Shapiro in American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson, the first installment of Ryan Murphy’s new anthology miniseries, an offshoot of his hit American Horror Story FX franchise.
The peoples’ appetite for a 12-episode blow-by-blow rendition of ‘The Juice’s’ fall from grace is inversely proportionate to the wrath thrown by basketball enthusiasts after coverage of Simpson’s low-speed pursuit in a white Ford Bronco SUV interrupted the 1994 NBA finals. Translated for the women playing at home, demand for a Travolta-led courtroom miniseries is as sluggish as the recruitment process for his next personal masseuse.
The show takes a walk down memory lane at the trial as told from the perspective of the lawyers, exploring the behind-the-scenes wheelings and dealings and general, overall corporate maverick maneuvering on both sides of the court, summing up how a combination of prosecution swag, defense wiliness and the LAPD’s history with the city’s African-American community gave a jury what it demanded: reasonable doubt. BOOM! And, just like that, we’re ceremoniously hooked in like an unwilling sardine on the losing end of a baited hook attached to a hobby Asian fisherman, perched on a bird-poop encrusted piece of real estate on the East River downtown.
Add to the mix Cuba Gooding Jr., who will portray Simpson, and David Schwimmer, who plays another Simpson attorney, and you’ve got a cast who will knock out a series to which anyone’s eyes should never be exposed to unless you’re a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay. Or, failing that, you’ve got the cast of next year’s line-up of Dancing With the Stars.
While nothing screams, ‘Jewish old guy’, like classic Travolta in all his ‘about to fly a Qantas plane’ American glory, even more bizarre is the casting of Selma Blair as future Kardashian momager Kris Jenner. Because imagining Blair’s passionate lesbian kiss in the diabolical wager of sexual conquest film, Cruel Intentions, in 1999 – several decades after Jenner started getting lip injections of her own – reimagined as the wife of Robert, seems as unlikely and uncomfortable a prospect as teaching you niece how to French kiss.
Jenner was married to Robert and was also a close friend of Nicole Brown Simpson, again pitting her as the victim of simply being too ever-kind and caring Kris, the victim of the tangled wrongdoings of those circulating in her orbit.
“I had just gotten back from the Cannes Film Festival where we won the Palme d’Or for ‘Pulp Fiction’,” Travolta told the media when promoting his new role reminding the public of the last time he acted, on the red carpet for Fox’s Upfront, a stage for networks to debut new TV shows for advertisers, otherwise known as a soapbox to rebrand former disgraced stars.
Ironically, Travolta’s role as a serious, marital love interest of Jenner on screen might be as close a depiction to the fraudulent nature of her relationship with Bruce Jenner, given her knowledge her former husband was transitioning to a woman before walking down the aisle.
Gooding’s casting as Simpson, however, is as believable as Johnny Depp promising to ‘reinvent’ Tonto’s relationship with ‘The Lone Ranger’ in 2013’s summer flop of the same name, the casting of which was sketchy from the get-go, considering the fact that the actor is not a Native American, coupled with the fact the producer’s characterization of the character was based heavily on stereotypes, making Depp’s promise a nonstarter.
Blair is likely simply happy to be in a job where she’s not exposed to a throwback Charlie Sheen meltdown, which resulted in her being fired after complaining to network execs about his terrible behavior and shoddy work ethic to boot, following which Anger Management attempted to keep the fad going by hiring another actress for Sheen to have problems with until the next retro fad in 2016.
The amount of air time, however, that Blair will receive, is anyone’s guess, given Jenner was already divorced from Kardashian when the Simpson trial went forward. That said, if there’s one thing Jenner’s good at, it’s refocusing the narrative on herself, such as was the case when NBC’s Today helped America move on from 9/11 by interviewing her about her breasts. (In 2012, instead of honoring the annual, sobering moment of silence for 9/11 victims, the network boldly chose to fill that time with an interview with the famewhore fountainhead, complete with narcissistic realty show star babble commemorating on her own, equally important anniversary of getting breast implants. Therein using her power for good, helping America finally move on from 9/11.)
Based on Jenner’s track record, Blair’s job will likely be shoving her painted face into the frame as much as possible, courtroom, bedroom, or otherwise, then promptly complaining about her lack of fair representation in the press.
Then there’s the argument that Simpson’s famous houseguest, Kato Kaelin, should hustle for his hair stylist to land a spot on screen over Jenner, whose sole purpose on the cast exists so Kim and Kanye can tell North in 2030, “Honey, put down that crack pipe and come watch the story of how your grandmother was vaguely connected to the O.J. Simpson murder case.”
Also among other stranger-than-fiction casting decisions is the one by Spike Lee to feature Kanye West alongside proper actors Jennifer Hudson, Samuel L. Jackson and John Cusack, in a musical comedy about violence on the streets of Chicago. Which would be funny, if West’s entire persona is crafted on the premise that he possesses the inability to smile.
Talk is that Lee’s next joint, Chiraq, is based on a reimagined version of a film about Greek women banding together to end the Peloponnesian War by refusing to get down-and-dirty with their men. Which means the women of Chicago are likely to try the same tactic to wipe out gang violence in Chicago. In a hilarious, lighthearted way, of course, complete with musical tap numbers sloshing about in the blood of the latest victim like a Tap Dog belting out a hearty industrial number on a water set by a row of trashcans.
The movie is set to drop in 2016 at the same time as another Chicago-based movie, Southside With You, about Barack and Obama’s first date – which ironically included a showing of Spike Lee’s hot summer mess flick about potheads in Brooklyn, Do the Right Thing. Watching either of these two films is about as enticing as sitting in jury duty for the entire summer in a room with no air conditioning while creepers take pictures up your skirt on your way home through Union Square following which you run home from a man wielding a hammer.
With such a delicious visual smorgasbord of wildly inappropriate castings, mostly of former movie stars we’ve since forgotten, perhaps the more appropriate question we should be asking is whether the real travesty of the Simpson trial is that it paid for the initial start-up costs of creating the Kardashian empire.
Perhaps the third-act-twist in the ‘and other things the general public no longer cares about affair’ is that Travolta, under the direction of Scientology king Tom Cruise, has been commissioned to accept the role under the directive he recruit Maverick’s newest contract bride, Kylie Jenner, formally known as Cher.
