Upon hearing that a new reality TV show named “Dash Dolls” is slated to debut Sep.20, one could be easily mistaken for thinking such a soul-sucking series might involve a pretty pack of Hooters bartenders engaging in a spot of competitive sport, broad enough to include drinking.
But it should come as no surprise to learn that, in fact, our said show will painfully chart the lives of the “young, fun, and hot Dash employees aspiring models/Dubai high-class escorts, as they navigate the hectic life of a twenty-something in Hollywood while representing the Kardashian brand.” Because if there’s anything more hollow than watching a desperate, privileged wannabe shop themselves – literally and figuratively – around Hollywood, it’s watching them fold shirts in one, especially if these sun-drenched hipsters would vote for Kanye for president in 2020.
In the same way that Donald Trump previously boasted, “I’m, like, a really smart person…It’s very possible that I could be the first presidential candidate to run and make money on it,” for those unable to imagine a more ridiculous candidate to run the free world than Trump and his pet toupee, Kanye, in his true “I’mma let you finish” fashion, refused to come second place.
The perennial shit stirrer announced his presidential run during his headache-inducing VMAs speech on Sunday. In the middle of his Tolstoy-esque length speech, the brute declared, “And yes, as you probably could’ve guessed by this moment, I have decided in 2020 to run for president.”
“I’m in all the way, and I actually vote,” retail associate Khadijah Haqq-McCray recently told E! News while promoting the upcoming premiere of Dash Dolls, with the unbridled sincerity of someone who truly believes that opening a door for yourself is “doing good” in the world.
“Some people will say ‘I want this to be president’ but they don’t actually go to the polls and vote,” she added, inciting face palms everywhere on the assumption E!s new guerilla journalism foray into the titillating world of retail might also have some political texture thrown in for good measure. “I would vote!” she said, flashing a set of veneered pearly whites, paid for by Kris amid her $7 per hour payment to spend time with the Klan, or at least pottering about a 300-square foot slice of their empire.
Sister Malika added, “All I have to say is if Kanye is to run for president in 2020 I’m definitely voting and I’d take him over Donald Trump any day. He’s for the people.”
Sure Malika, you think, as you ponder over whether the only thing worse than visiting Dash and its inventory of overpriced clubbing wear, tanning lotion and Kardashian black caps, would be watching the employees working in one. I’m sure Kanye is capable of outperforming U.S. President Richard Nixon’s economic achievements with all his word tricks and licks and social media dissing skills like it’s nobody’s business. “Nixonomics, a portmanteau of the words “Nixon” and “economics”?” you wonder, watching Malika paint a nail on the series’ debut episode, proving the only thing more intolerable than watching paint dry Is being exposed to nail polish setting, on TV, on a Sunday.
“Pff,” you think, Kanye’s got this. “Kanyenesian,” he is sure to proclaim on his first state of the nation, in an attempt to instill confidence into the entire U.S. population unable to process the fact their president is wearing drop-crotch track pants and sockless red high tops, paired with a “Fuck the Police!” tee.
“I was born to run this way,” he continued, breaking into a sweet croon, “Government expenditure’s gonna take the nation out of its recession, I’m banking rolling us all the way back to world domination, next station, Mars!” he proclaimed, as the spotlight around his head reduced to a small halo, hovering around his brain, followed by a short public announcement statement instructing citizens to purchase 2.5 copies of his latest album in an effort to boost economic output by increasing aggregate demand #stilllearning.
Yes, that’s about as unbelievable a scenario as Dash Dolls even being an actual thing, and almost as unbelievable as Dash Doll Khadijah honestly believing Khloe’s life sentence to perpetually date a basketball player is part of the constitution.
“She deserves it,” Khadijah said, while bobbing her lollypop head at an invisible interview host, having a conversation with herself about her boss’s love life.
The 31-year-old Keeping Up With the Kardashians star and 26-year-old basketball pro James Harden, otherwise known as the human beard, first ignited rumors of a vetted cross-medium romp on the PR-friendly July 4 weekend – fed to the reporters on the frontline at E! two minutes later – while they were partying up a quiet storm in the also PR-friendly small town of Las Vegas.
Since that first photo op, Khloe has kept her super-cute relationship low key, travelling with Jimmy first class abroad, sweating it out at couples spin class – when not being stalked by Lamar, who was tricked into a Kris-inspired meet-cute paparazzi moment. Khloé even had her 37 minders pull off a fucking huge throwback white-themed birthday party on a boat in L.A. to celebrate James’ birthday, to show, you know, that she’s not racist.
While Khloe’s busy being getting busy getting her game on with her new basketball beau, chugging through professional athlets like it’s the end of the world – 90’s foam parties, sweaty workouts and all – we, the public, now face another derivative strain of viral exposure to the era’s most over-exposed family, via the new generation of Dash boutique girls and their infamously absent bosses, tossed in with a lump of staged rocky romances, boozy parties and whatever topical hot mess is as sure to negatively impact their lives as it simultaneously boosts ratings.
In a deal said to be inked at almost $US20 million, the cable network has ordered an unnecessary eight episodes of the ridiculous new reality show, sure to be watched only by people seeking motivation to feel better about their own lives while sweating it out at the gym. Kim and co’s flagship series Keeping Up With The Kardashians has been extended for a further three years. At this point, surely only for home video purposes.
With oversaturation of the Kardashians approaching an all-time high, perhaps the distillation approach will allow some of the hate to trickle onto the new reality TV fresh meat, leaving the Kardashian’s all the better, and richer, to boot. There is only so much fandom capable of tolerating another Snapchat of Kylie Jenner applying a face mask with her baby daddy Tyga, before watching her exercise her new lips syncing to sexy explicit rap while fluttering mascara about her face like she’s a helium-inflated oversized butterfly, trapped in a petri dish filled with expired silicone.
And don’t even think about the Dash Dolls becoming fashionably and socially relevant in Vogue.
While managing a Kardashian plotline is as easy as a phone call from Kris to Ryan Seacrest, perhaps Bennifer should have hired a press rep – and not a nanny – of a higher pay grade.
A planted story on E! did little to dispel the global communal knowledge that Ben Affleck is as trustworthy as Charlie Sheen in an unmanned liquor store with a bottle opener permanently attached to his hand.
Affleck and aspiring mommy talk show host, Jennifer Garner, who recently called it quits, were conveniently spotted by an E! photographer in L.A. on Thursday, the exes smiling as if they’d just come from an ultrasound appointment where Affleck had played a few rounds of poker in the waiting room while taking bumps off pre-loved copies of National Geographic, as they sauntered to Affleck’s car, before driving home to Garner’s McMansion, where she kicked him to the curb to walk his sorry ass home to a rental down the road.
According to E!, a source siad their split is “actually quite amicable,” which is as believable as Tom Brady – recently caught on a plane to Vegas with Affleck, his entire collections of Super Bowl Rings and the nanny – not currently being exposed to a nightly shit show from his former Victoria’s Secret bombshell, Giselle.
A normal messy divorce between two people with adequate means would see Affleck and Brady haul themselves over to the simmering pot of Instagram soft porn taking place on the pink fluffy carpet at Dash for a quick romp with a gold-digging aspiring actress. Instead, the only folks forced to stomach Dash employees searching for their misplaced Blackberry, taking selfies in aged-care facility contraptions and near-naked modelling shots of their derrière are the humble public, which leaves you wondering whether the whole, big glossy series isn’t a thinly veiled pseudo sex-tape advertisement for the Dolls to get a paid escort gig in Dubai. Because, like, surely there’s an app for that?
In lieu of folding overprice hoe shorts at Dash, perhaps an easier path to landing a more lucrative full-time gig would be to launch a Sittercity.com profile – complete with our aforementioned nude pic – on the hope of bagging a single, or aspiring single, celebrity father in L.A. With Ashley Madison no longer the safe haven for married men keen to live out their lives by the premise that “life’s too short not to have an affair!”, matching a shiny new nanny with a willing cash cow has never been easier.
Affleck allegedly joined Ashley Madison in February 2011, two years after playing the anti-marriage commitment guy in “He’s Just Not That Into You” and while keeping his hands off – or on – a bad Boston accent wielding Blake Lively in The Town. Now a multi-billionaire businessman sworn to protecting Gotham City from the criminal underworld as masked vigilante, Batman, in the latest installment of the series by the same name, has a more secure option to gaining access to more than 6,000 vetted caregivers in his neighborhood trusted to ‘meet you family’s every need.’ The ripe sum of $140 will buy Affleck a yearly subscription to Sittercity, yes, the same price charged for two of these numbers from Dash, which Ben would be clever to stock up on for his next summer of nanny love.
Because nothing quite says fuck you to your ex-wife than a cute, kitsch oversized boyfriend shirt, worn by a Dash Doll. #iwokeuplikethis.
