Being asked by your porter if you are, in fact, “READY TO PARTY” upon arriving at Breathless Punta Cana Resort & Spa – before being ushered into what feels like a cross between a sketchy Reno airport check-in and the Venga Bus – should set off alarm bells. But before you’re free to explore this proposition any further, a staff member tries to upsell you something.
Said to be one of the shiniest new luxury resorts in Punta Cana, when reviewed away from the myriad of strobe lights and thumping beats, Breathless feels more like being stuck at an 80’s corporate convention, but one where it’s been Groundhog Day for the past 30 years. Sky-high heels, barely-there mini dresses and plunging necklines are all part of the recommended attire, with happy hour providing the perfect chance to bed the A-type you’ve been ogling all day from the privacy of your oversized Chanel shades as he does body shots off the six packs of his bros. Because #holidayfling.
Adding to the bachelorette/stag do feel, which you are able to expose yourself to for the ripe sum of close to $500 a night, are the sashes applied to the doors to welcome guests celebrating some variety of special occasion, much like the Miss Universe one worn by the bride-to-be.
Opened in November 2013, Breathless is one of the newest resorts in Punta Cana, and features multiple whirlpools and a lazy river, which snakes through the hotel’s grounds and provides a more secluded swimming option for those seeking a reprieve from the contrived party.
The 750-suite property features 11 restaurants, many of which close at sunset, while rooms feature balconies donning outdoor whirlpools, which sounds romantic in theory, but, given the bug and slug infestation, less so in real life. A ground-floor garden view room comes complete with the soundtrack of the adjacent highway and a public walkway between the room and the hotel gym, also used by the golf cart buggies to zip around without lights at night.
One upside to the resorts location on the popular sandy beaches of Bavaro is that the semi-protected bay makes it a less windy option than some of the other swimming holes of other resorts in the area.
But, far from being left breathless by the overall experience, one is likely to be left gasping for air, having dropped a small fortune on a property that appears to be a high-end one moonlighting as a downtrodden Hilton Hotel.
The adults-only Breathless is technically all-inclusive, but with a big fat giant footnote. Well drinks are free – until 11PM – following which room service staff are eager to charge an indeterminate amount for a bottle of wine. Food is also free, except on Mondays, where only the buffet is open and a shoestring in-room dining selection on offer, consisting of American-style junk food (think hot dogs, packaged turkey sandwich and fries).
Nightly entertainment features such oddities as a magic show in front of a wall of chairs set in an open air colosseum, themed dress-up parties and flavored hookah in the late-night discotheque.
Like the Venga Boys, it’s crystal clear from the folks at Breathless’s dance card that they really, really like to party. But, in the case of the latter, perhaps if they spent a little less time doing so, guests might return for the next one.
THE RAP SHEET
Avoid the ground floor and opt for one closer to the beach in order to save yourself a 15-minute walk to the sand.
Make sure to take advantage of drink specials before the lobby bar closes (Note – the bar switches to smaller, watered-down drinks in plastic cups after 10PM).
Check which restaurant options are open midweek.
Be wary of additional costs involved with your stay.
