Recreational dating when you’re a major celebrity is sure to have more roadblocks than a married man trying to date his summer intern, but none more so for the D-List crooners. Cue the alarming and vacuous trend of aging singers using online dating apps to flog their electronic tracks.
No, the would-be fag hag Madonna is not one of them. Yet. Madge’s attempt to reinvent herself in line with Justin Bieber’s path to spiritual enlightenment, otherwise known as ‘they have the same PR chic’, is such a voluminous, frothy mistake on all fronts that it warrants a feature of its own, to be filed and shared with the incoming class of public relations students across the globe.
Also a member of the should-have-already-retired singing class of decades gone by is Mariah Carey, who recently debuted her new Match.com profile alongside her music video for the recently released single “Infinity”. Listing cooking, eating, purchasing food and restaurants as her hobbies, ie. Maximum consumption, potential suitors and her small harem of fans can view her new ditty about a period of time that has no limits or end, with the same zealousness as the 23-year old Upper East Side princess slumming her NYU years downtown, slamming back her sixth Bud Light while fist-pumping like her life depended on it to Carly Rae Jeppsen’s ‘Call Me Maybe’ on loop.
Shortly after her inauspicious Match profile launch, the inflatable balloon released a statement proclaiming, “I hope every woman who is single and listens to this song goes out and finds her infinity, whether on Match or the traditional way.” Despite the track and it’s racy cover appearing like a combination of the marketing campaign for a lubricant advertisement splashed across the cigarette tray at a daytime titty bar, why anyone would want to hashtag #1 for Carey’s latest vocal tune is as baffling as her inability to just stick with her annual Christmas CD. You know, because the formula woks. Oh – wait. She botched that up too.
How Carey has any comprehension of the ‘traditional way’ of dating is as ridiculous as the concept of how her and the Vegas DJ fixture and all-round crooner, the 25-year old Nick Cannon, came to procreate and set of little human beings.
If Mariah’s new PR team were seeking to partner to the power of M-squared, perhaps, given Mariah’s penchant for a couple of rounds of burgers and fries, a better campaign would have been a quarter-pounder promotion with McDonald’s, inviting single sisters everywhere to follow Mariah’s lead, and eat their way through a break-up like a little diva boss.
This isn’t the first time the dating app has experimented with cross-platform blatant promotion of music. Back in April, Jason Derulo got his own Tinder profile that redirected swipe righters to his new music video with the ridiculously obvious title, “Want to Want Me.”
Obviously, Mariah’s new PR manager deemed her latest plot a giant hot mess, because apparently she’s now dating billionaire James Packer, who is conveniently in the midst of carving out a bigger presence for himself in Sin City’s casino game. As news of the union between the Christmas CD aficionado and former boyfriend of Miranda Kerr broke worldwide, Justin Bieber and Madonna’s PR resurrection teams promptly put down their pens and bowed.
“It’s easy to find love,” Mariah gushed to her Vegas show attendees, glowing from a two-week stint enjoying the Europe summer with her new cashed-up beau. “Just set your profile to the one percent,” she said, shaking her head at all the sad, single folk in the audience. “Or better yet,” she added, “Why not put desired bank balance, infinity!”
Sure, Mariah, thought Match.com marketing executives and online dating experts everywhere. I’m sure all Packer will want by Christmas, is you.
