The prospect of Gwenyth Paltrow existing on food stamps for a week seemed as unlikely as Kanye West comparing himself to a giant marble table.
But, on Friday, both of these things happened.
Oh, and then Yeezy went and commemorated the 100-year anniversary of the Armenian 1915 genocide by jumping in a lake.
Goopy – known for being the ever insufferable snob responsible for introducing the world to obnoxious terms such as, ‘Conscious Uncoupling’, or in layman’s terms: We Both Cheated – has made it her full-time gig to churn out nauseating content on her lifestyle cleansing blog.
The health-obsessed juicing nut rang in the New Year by urging women everywhere to indulge in a ‘vagina cleanse’. Say what?
Her latest promotion is part of the #FoodBankNYCChallenge fad, thrown out by her pal and celebrity chef Mario Batali, which suggests folks at home try subsisting on a $29 grocery bill for seven days.
Ironically, the criticism Paltrow got for what she purchased – too much kale, too many $3.95 limes and not enough carbohydrates – offers a window into the food stamps, or SNAP, experience: other customers reviewing your EBT card and ‘disliking’ what’s in your shopping cart.
This prospect is about as appealing as inviting the creepy IT guy over for a two-way bubble bath, following which you snuggle up on the couch to watch the entire back catalogue of Mel Gibson films.
While Gwenny’s attempt to act poor is undoubtedly with good intentions, I’d imagine waking up to your seventh consecutive morning of cold, Costo-branded bowl of porridge as you fasten your name badge before heading out for a double shift at your local Starbucks to support a family of four under four is about as appetizing as the meals the modern-day Martha Stewart will whip up from her super-fun food stamp challenge, which are sure to nab a spot on Instagram.
While Gwenny attempts to live on air, Yeezy, also known as God, just failed to walk on water.
The rapper, who joined wife Kim in her attempt to parade as a political ambassador for the Middle East, was high from a racy Snapchat session with his Parisian lover when he pulled up his trousers and hosted an impromptu free concert in Swan Lake in Yerevan, Armenia, on Sunday night.
Fans followed Kanye into the soggy moshpit, bombarding Jesus, following which police promptly cut the power and escorted him from the lake.
According to Kardashian’s posts on Twitter, Kanye woke his bride up to announce his free concert, kicking off a “crazy” final night in the East European country.
She also provided a blow-by-blow account of the sequence of events leading up to Kanye’s plunge into Swan Lake while performing his classic hit “Good Life,” explaining his ridiculous lake plunge as an attempt to get closer to his fans.
It’s one thing to be the 37-year old diva that stage-crashes Beck’s Grammy acceptance speech and the buffoon that keeps NYC’s top fashion editors waiting in the snow before debuting his fashion collection with Adidas.
But it’s an entirely different Mariah Carey-experiencing-a-menopause-induced-hot-flush-on-day-two-of-a-Goopey-inspired-juice-cleanse to steal the thunder the centennial commemoration of the mass killings of Armenians by the Ottoman Turks during the early 20th century that some, including Pope Francis, have labeled “genocide.”
Never one to miss a marketing opportunity, momager Kris had her team bottle the lake’s body of water into neatly packaged bottles of Yeezy water, now available for purchase on Goop.
You can’t, however, put a price on Kanye’s ego.
In an interview with the New York Times’ T Magazine, the lord waxed lyrical about needing a crane to extract a hideous four-legged chunk of marble from his new house, affectionately described as a ‘weird, nouveau riche table.”
Unable to comprehend his inability to ‘I Dream of Genie’-style blink the table into non-existence, Kanye said, “I realized the table was my ego. No matter what you put around it, under it, no matter who photographed it, the douchebaggery would always come through.”
While New Girl’s Schmidt has cited befriending Yeezy as the most efficient way to jump social strata and the ideal candidate for each other’s last call before bed, I’m sure he’d be willing to hand over the Douchebag Jar in exchange for the chance to walk in his idol’s $350 a pop branded kicks. Because only a douche would charge that much for a pair of running shoes.
