Oprah Winfrey is locked into her Goopy clean-living Weight Watchers gig for the next two years, but is free to sell all of her shares after five, which is about the time her beloved troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan is slated to kick-off her presidential bid, her application of which is unlikely to include a copy of her fireside post-rehab chat with the first lady of talk on “Oprah’s Next Chapter” in 2013.
“I think it was just to have some peace and just have no choice but to just sit and be,” Lohan told Winfrey, not about her recent visit to a yoga camp but her first stint in prison, which lasted two days instead of 90 due to overcrowding, the definition in the celebrity circuit of an overpriced lawyer. “I’ll never forget that moment (of being sentenced),” she said, as if reminiscing about losing her virginity and not time spent behind bars.
Claiming to have ingested cocaine only “10 to 15 times” and never really enjoyed snorting it, the main attraction of the drug, she has said, was that it allowed her to drink more, which the embattled actress is the latest in a string of celebrities you wouldn’t trust to drive you home to publically declare ambitions to run for president in 2020.
“In #2020 I may run for president,” she posted to Instagram, because a filter and hashtag are the modern-day substitute for a degree and resume reflecting the attributes necessary for running for the head of the oval office. “Let’s do this @kanyewest…thank you for inspiring us to be better people,” she posted, giving a super motivational shout out to the rapper, who was at the time reportedly performing the saintly duty of taking time away from his busy schedule to care for his own daughter, while the entire Kardashian Klan were otherwise occupied moonlighting as Florence Nightingale by Lamar’s bedside.
While it’s likely Kim Kardashian West is waiting until the birth of her holy baby before announcing her own bid, because you know, like #westwing, Lohan may be running on the premise she misunderstands the purpose of the White House.
“(Cocaine) was like a party thing. People would have it and I would do it,” she told Oprah of her dalliance with marching powder. “It went hand in hand with drinking,” she joked, while playing with her mock executive order ballot, her head filled with fond memories of her ten years in community service. “That’s basically the same as running the nation, right?” she asked her dealer, as she pondered over which midriff top to wear out in Shoreditch that evening, swigging her fifth large pinot grigio on an empty stomach.
It’s one things to entertain the prospect of Trump and his pet toupee running a supersized marketing campaign, but it’s another to let the former star of Herby: Fully Loaded take the reins of the country’s future, also while fully loaded, for the sum of roughly 1460 days. I’ll happily indulge in some Page Six gossip about her latest hot mess night out stumbling around ye old foggy London town, performing the only diplomatic duty she’s capable of – representing fallen U.S. child movie stars abroad – which is a far cry from helping to draft the foreign policy of America.
Lohan said she hates being known – as Winfrey put it – “as an adjective and verb for bad behavior and child star gone wrong.” It’s not at all what Lohan said she aspired to be. “I want to be President,” she said, her eyes and mouth frothing over the amount of “snow” sure to be flowing within the oval office’s walls, “Every secret service agent has access to drugs!” she said, while correcting the spelling of her name on her application for candidacy, having been frustrated after waiting in line behind Timberlake, Jessica Biel and Beyonce.
Lohan calls acting, “the thing that has made me happiest my whole life.” If she lands the nation’s top gig, it’ll be one hell of a starring role.
Go for it LiLo, because YOLO #white #peace.
