When posed with the question of whether you would rather have Bob Saget as your father or Amy Schumer as your mom, the general response to both would be: ‘Um, how about both as my crazy, bat shit alcoholic uncle/aunt?’
While child services would probably intervene before either were appointed legal guardian of anything but an oversized hip flask, the gaggle of kiddies aka the former stars of 90s hit, ‘Full House’, weren’t so lucky.
How rude!
As news surfaced about a ‘Full House’ reunion special and Netflix spinoff after a 20-year hiatus, courtesy of John Stamos spilling the beans via a free PR bomb on ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ on Monday night, tongues were set wagging over the ability of the refresh to outdo Girl Meets World as the television equivalent of poisoning your dinner guests with a serve of defrosted decade-old leftovers.
The painfully hip Olsen sisters are, as yet, notably absent from the revived cast’s lineup, which includes stay-at-home mom, Jodie Sweeting: #who?
With a storyline centered around former arch nemeses, Stephanie Tanner and wayward ginger Kimmy, teaming up to help D.J. – a pregnant, widowed mom of two – it’s hard to imagine the former Saturday cotton candy fluffer will be reimagined as a derivative of Degrassi Junior High (the dark years) crossed with Six Feet Under.
If I wanted to pay to watch a show where Stephanie and Kimmy take on the roles of Uncle Jessie and Joey in caring for D.J.’s growing clan – with the widower herself taking on the job of patriarch, father Danny – aside from needing my eyes disinfected with chloroform I’d probably rather watch reruns of the real thing.
While I’m sure Mary-Kate’s fiance, 45-year old Olivier Sarkozy, has clocked up a decent tally watching episodes of two-year old MK being all cute and dandy to get his socks off on a Saturday night, there’s something not quite right about watching a team of washed-up actors and a pair of disheveled hobo twins try and recreate the little house that could.
Also copping flack for attempting to reimagine the truth is our beloved Kylie Jenner, who has drawn criticism after sparking a global phenomenon that convinces teen girls morons everywhere to stick their lips inside a glass bottle and suck.
If you thought explaining to your parents why you were wearing a turtleneck to your supermarket checkout job on a 110 degree stinking hot day was awkward, trying explaining to the world via Instagram that you were stupid enough to give yourself a month-long hickey on your pout.
The ultimate shade came in the form of her beau Tyga’s ex and baby momma, Blac Chyna, who posted a photo of herself wearing an enormous pair of big wax lips – the ultimate diss about Jenner’s ‘al la natural’ plump mouth.
While teens everywhere took to social media to post pictures of their bloody, swollen, blistered faces – which resembled more of what facial herpes might look like than I ever care to see – Jenner, of course, responded in the way only a Kardashian could.
After slamming media backlash to her encouragement that everyone ‘recreate her natural look’ amid claims she takes zero responsibility for being a role model to anyone, the reality high school dropout said, “[The diss] made her question her own beauty and that in itself is more painful for her than crying. Blac Chyna definitely gave her a beauty complex and Kylie thinks it’s a shame that a grown woman would go through such lengths to bully a teenager.”
This coming from a lady who is encouraging girls to effectively make-out with themselves instead of another boy because she’s dating someone who stopped giving hickeys ten years ago.
As the bottom-feeding scum of the celebrity circuit continue to fling mud with the ferocity of a drunk Brandi Granville and off-the-wagon Kim Richards screaming match, foul-mouthed comedian Schumer is using her potty training for some good.
In a sketch on tonight’s season three premiere of ‘Inside Amy Schumer: Last F-able Day,’ Schumer shed light on the devastatingly accurate double standards of the ever-fickle Hollywood when it comes to its aging stars.
The comedian – fresh off hosting one of the arguably most controversial MTV Awards to date – paid homage to her senior comedic alumni, holding her own alongside co-stars Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Patricia Arquette.
Reportedly, the folks in Schumer’s camp had been tossing the idea for a LFD skit around inside the writers’ room for a couple of years, but the wheels were finally set in motion when Seinfeld legend Louis-Dreyfus proudly slapped on the ‘Unf-able’ badge and decided to help spotlight the industry’s Benjamin Button status residing in the year 1953.
Perhaps one of the most telling examples of Hollywood’s obsession with discarding post-35 acting women to the realm of caring wife or doting friend, is director Michael Showalter’s new film ‘Hello, My Name is Doris’, in which New Girl’s Max Greenfield plays John Fremont, a charming artistic director and the love interest of Doris, an accountant at the same company played by Sally Field.
While what ensues is said to be a semi-awkward and endearing pursuit between an older woman and a younger man, this is also the same movie star that played Robin Williams’ love interest in Mrs. Doubtfire in 1993.
I’m sure the prospect of filming an orgasmic love scene while seated on an office fit ball wasn’t the highlight of Field’s illustrious romcom career. The fact that hot messes such as the alcoholic Johnny Depp and the incredibly horribly aging Leonardo DiCaprio basically have to simply roll over to land head first on a 24-year old love interest, both on screen and in real life, highlights the fallacy of modern-day Hollywood.
I’m probably not going to tune in to the Full House remake to watch a platter of MILFs try and engage me about the past 20 years of their life. But I did enjoy watching Schumer use her potty mouth to masterfully expose a key issue in Hollywood’s selective moral code. And this time, she did it with her clothes on.
Watch Schumer and Co. Officially School the Silver Screen Crew Here.
