When the predominant activity in your life begins to even slightly reflect that of a D-List reality star, you know you might need to perform a self-evaluation and take stock, quicker than a Duane Reade cashier sanitizing the air after a homeless man attempted to purchase a bag of M&Ms at 10AM.
Johnny Depp recently became the latest victim of the Paris Hilton Curse, whereby if your day job begins to even remotely resemble any activity or financial pursuit on the former reality star’s CV, you need to begin counting down the days until you attempt to swap your acting chops for a talking cartoon gig at Disney.
Oh no wait – Depp’s already busted his hand amid a raging alcohol binge while filming Pirates of the Caribbean 23. Which means the former heart throb, having already used his G-rated ‘entertain the kids’ hall pass, must now embark on the unthinkable: A mass market fragrance line with fashion house Dior, because they couldn’t get Robert Pattinson Jude Law anyone else.
Lending your star power to a scent sure to be worn only by 19-year old lurkers unable to shop lift body spray deodorant of a cheaper kind for a night out on Tinder, is a bit like Sarah Jessica Parker becoming brand ambassador for a jeans line whose logo is a horse’s face. You’d like to think that there’s nothing tongue-in-cheek about people assuming your fall from grace has forced you to want others to smell like you or wear a product featuring a tiny image which sort of looks quite a lot like your face. But, due to your lack of successful career traction over the past 10 or so years, you don’t really have a choice otherwise.
Whereas our fun-loving blonde Paris, who’s actually made a small, obnoxious fortune by flinging out multiple perfumes like it’s Holy Water, is currently citing ‘song’ as her occupation of the hour. In mid-May, Cash Money Records recording artist and professional DJ Paris ‘Decks’ Hilton, unleased the video for “High Off My Love,” a fairly pedestrian electro banger splashed in rote, festival-friendly white-noise wash and featuring the requisite infamous trap interlude, featuring label boss Birdman.
Maybe Paris could share some career advice with trouble brother and L.A.P.D.-loving Conrad Hilton, who was recently arrested on suspicion of violating a restraining order against his ex-girlfriend, after narrowly escaping prison time for threatening flight crew and calling passengers ‘peasants’ on a British Airways flight last year.
“Don’t worry, darling,” instead, big sis Paris is likely to say in response to his latest criminal dalliance, while dousing him in her latest Limited Anniversary Edition eau de parfum spray, the 18th scent in her $2 billion fragrance empire.
“OK sis,” Conrad responds, while promptly adjusting to his new flammable state, wondering whether his mother is an heir to New York’s hotel that goes by his first name. “I’ll have to Google that,” he mentally notes, while being dragged into the family stripper pole den, covered in pink glitter, that’s also eddible but calorie free.
The speakers sound, before blaring his sister’s new track into the room, following which a gaggle of girls emerge in a round of spontaneous synchronized dance. “It’s a really fun dance song,” Paris shouts, over the banging beats of her synthesized drone. “The music video is like Madonna’s ‘Justify My Love’ meets “50 Shades of Grey.’ It’s really sexy,” she assures him, in only the way a soft but sultry former ‘Simple Life’ girl can.
“Awesome,” thought the 21-year old. “Maybe it will win back the love of my life, Hunter!” he mused with glee, already having wiped his latest brush with pesky law enforcers from his pretty little memory.
“Who’s that?” Paris asked, while brushing her hair, absorbed in the sounds of her own making.
“Hunter Salomon,” he said. “You know, one of Rick Salomon’s two children, the professional poker player and co-star in 1 Night in Paris, your infamous sex tape sis!”
“Oh that,” she said, not even mildly annoyed. “You see? Dad would be proud. It’s all about keeping it in the family. The Kardashians could learn a thing or two from us about that.”
