Need junk? The world’s got plenty. And it’s cheap.
If there’s any sign a fractured reality star’s stock has since plummeted, it’s when your mother – who also runs by the title of your manager – suggests a new PR angle and lucrative plot line would be for you to date not a high-roller NBA star, but the pussy blemish that’s since become a regular on Ellen – Justin Bieber.
Speculation mounted over the weekend that Justin Bieber is now ‘casually hooking up with’ Kourtney Kardashian, sparked by the convenient sighting of the 21-year-old perennial apologizer singer and the 36-year-old reality star at the same venue on Friday, a stunt which seems as believable as Eva Longoria’s engagement to her businessman boyfriend, Jose Antonio Baston, functioning as anything but free publicity for her new TV series, Telenovela.
To stoke the flame, Bieber Instagramed his shade at her baby daddy, ‘Lord Disick’, by slapping up a picture of his scrawny ass dry-humping a woman on the bonnet of his car, thereby hiding her face and thus branding her a mystery hooker. Captioned, “Lord knows,” taken as a diss at the former king of her home, has incited talk that the reign of the Kardashians and their ability to date a basketball team and then try to kill them, as thankfully almost over. And, despite what One Republic might attest, in the case of Bieber, it’s never too late to apologize. The word, “sorry”, goes a long way if you repeat it enough.
As millennials struggled to digest the incredulous news that the mother of three was romantically involved with a child whose throwback’s point to that time he was 14, intelligent adults braced for more bloodshed for high-yield investors amid a market rout that forced three credit funds in the past week to wind down.
Like the waning popularity of both Bieber and the Kardashians – who might now be sharing the same press rep – debt of struggling companies has nosedived as declining energy and commodity prices hit producers’ hip pockets and as the Federal Reserve prepares to raise borrowing costs for the first time in almost a decade.
On Wednesday, the Fed will decide whether to raise its benchmark rate that has been held near zero since the global financial crisis in 2008. Investors and analysts expect a modest increase of 0.25 percentage points and Fed chief Janet Yellen has said that any increase would be gradual, which is a bit like Blake Sheldon announcing to The Voice producers that he only plans to have eight or so beers before the next taping – the expected impact of both could rattle confidence, and then some.
Third Avenue Management shook global credit markets when it announced Dec. 9 that it was liquidating a $788.5 million corporate debt mutual fund and delaying distribution of investor cash to avoid bigger losses. Today, it announced it is parting ways with Chief Executive David Barse, a move that comes just days after the firm sparked concerns about the health of the mutual-fund industry by barring withdrawals from its junk-bond fund.
Fears that a high-yield sharp sell-off has ignited talk about similarities between the unfolding drama and the contagion of U.S. mortgage-backed securities in 2007, which, ironically, took place at about the same time season one of Keeping Up With the Kardashian’s aired on E! the brainchild of matriarch Kris Jenner and executive producer Ryan Seacrest. Since then, Kim’s derriere almost broke the internet and the rest of the klan has chalked up enough botox to inflate a blimp capable to solving the Syrian refugee crisis by flying them to America, but the fate of their bond equivalent – junk, or bonds with credit ratings below investment grade – is melting as fast as their faces would if lit on fire. In reaction to Third Avenue’s move, prices of high-yield bonds have sunk to their lowest level in six years, in tandem with Kourt’s Kute new fling, leading investors, including billionaire Carl Icahn, to fear a “meltdown” in the sector.
Fighting public relations fires of a different kind, on Friday, Kardashian and Bieber were first spotted at the popular L.A. hotspot The Nice Guy, which looks as intimate as a United Airlines waiting lounge, followed by a spot of flexing their vocal chops at karaoke club Blind Dragon, which seems an apt option for the sobriety of a candidate about to join Bieber at his hotel room, before sneaking out via the paparazzi scrum at the kid-friendly hour of 4AM.
In other news of events you’re likely as interested in as watching reruns of your father’s recent root canal treatment on a Sunday afternoon, Kris is currently pretending to be concerned about accidently getting knocked up at age 60, a number which resonates with many high-yield bond investors who are feeling pregnant holding J. Crew securities that have shed 60 percent of their value this year.
The first time the odd couple were linked was back in October, where they splashed their affair over social media by documenting the wearing of 3-D glasses at Universal Studios’ “Halloween Horror Nights”. It’s two more sleeps till the Fed unveils its potential rate hike, but a similar terror among market watchers may similarly ensue.
With commodity prices set to fall further in its wake, you’d be right to expect a bargain lump of coal in your stocking this Christmas. Either that, or a $106 million yoga mat or $523 free-range dream catcher from Gwynth’s Gift Guide.
